I'm very tired.
Above is XNZ.
(Removed picture, because... consent. So just imagine a picture of a hot middle-aged gay man with curly hair, who could pass as British Columbo. And just encase you ever see this, which you might. Because you know of this name, I believe? Possibly? Well, it's on Discord.)
You're a smart enough man to get it anyway. Fuck it. You already know.
That's not his initials. But... might as well be. Iykyk. Iydyd. But Christ alive. Stop having all of the physical characteristics that makes you a very pretty (and handsome) man. It's genuinely not fair at this moment in time.
Brown Eyes.
Curly Hair.
Beard (soft.)
Freckles.
(OK, very generic description as of now. Most Bears in a Gay Bar carry this. I may as well say "has a face/body/arms/legs".)
But yes, you are 5ft 5", possibly 5ft 6" (at a push), I don't know who lied to you and said 5ft 7" (unless you're lying about yourself, which... is possibly the case), or... unless I've grown 3 inches in the last 2 years? 😱 (I mean, anything is possible at this given stage.)
But I like short boys.
Anyone over 5ft 9" is too much. Even for me. I'm not huge on the tall thing. Short guys know how to look after you, after all. They pick out very good dates. And they fuck well too.
But you, XNZ, are exceptional. You are very handsome, and pretty, and lovely to look at, as a whole. You make great company. You are funny. You get it. And... you're kind. Too kind to me. You also say "Jump!" And I say "How high?" And... you know it.
You're one of the good ones. A real good (pig) boy, if I may add.
I really like the shirts that you wear that highlight the tightness and roundness of your belly. That's hot, genuinely hot. And I don't think you know. Like... actually... "fuck me" hot.
Finding you on Grindr a Gay Dating Site was the biggest tip over the edge though. And actually knowing you're into the same stuff as myself, instead of just guessing. (Hhhng.) Big mistake from myself, as it's all my brain can fixate on now.
This is all going to get me in so much trouble if you find this. Which... you probably will. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. (I'll either be in good gay cheeky trouble or bad trouble where you never want to speak to me again. But fuck it. Tough shit.)
Why do you have to be the most normal yet extraordinary man? AND Pretty!? It's rather not fair that my type is "the world's sexiest Phonetics teacher who does Suduko* on a Sunday"?
(*Clickport)
We all want what we can't have. In another Universe, I-
Well.
I hope to see the day we are able to do Space/Time Travel. Or perhaps not.
Perhaps it will break my heart more seeing a version of me... and not the version of me. The version of me who's living in this body. Lived these memories. Experiencing the world of Pretty Boys* through my eyes.
(*Boys being 38 year old men.)
I want to live in a better world. A Queerer World.
Trans Gays are not fighting to sit at the table, we're fighting to stick our feet in the door. (Also in your mouth, but that's another conversation.)
There's a huge difference between you accepting me as a man and seeing me as a man AND... then being attracted to me as a man.
I know when you look at me, you see me, Koschei. But do you see a man? I know you see me as a Trans* Masculine man/boy/thing.
(*or some sort of Butch Lesbian Thing. But it's not just you, all people do. Don't worry. I get it.)
That's the thing. Seeing me as an "actual" man is a hurdle that most brains won't jump because of internalised transphobia, even from myself.
(Oh, happy birthday*, by the way. This is your gift. My admittance.)
Dec 26th.
(*this is now very late, but I started writing this the day before and now it's Boxing Day. Just haven't had the emotional energy to finish this.)
This post is horribly full of internalised Queerphobia and Gay Anger that I no longer have. Well, still have, but not for you, specifically.
Gay Anger mixed in with Raging Horniness are two wild ends of the spectrum of Queer Feelings™️ that should not mix, but do. Unfortunately.
I'm sorry.
I've been considering not posting this at all.
But new things have happened since.
And I'm still tired. Very tired. Of pretty boys.
Including, but not limited to, yourself.
-KR
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