♠️♦️Observations♦️♠️

 

"Observations", created Digitally by Koschei Rex*, November 2024.

(*Signed under Legal Name - H.)

(Not from Steps.)

What I wrote about the Top Half/My Half last night on my Facebook last night (well, at 6am):

"New Art Piece that I started Saturday.

This is the "Self Portrait" part of "Observations".

"Observations" is still a WIP, so will reveal as a whole once its completed.

But I describe myself as the Queen of Diamonds. Who is the opposite of the Queen of Hearts.

In a modern sense, the Queen of Diamonds, in Cartomancy, is described as someone who is driven by career, order orientated, finds themselves in nature, not fussed by love or romance, not understanding of or by people, a bit lost and not always stable and is often their own worst enemy; however, they have all the power in their hands as they have all the potential in the world if they can find the correct mentor.

(This also describes, in most cases, the common symptoms of autism. So... The Queen of Diamonds is Aromantic & Autistic and they've been saying it for hundreds, if not, thousands of years. If Asexuals are the Ace of Spades, Aromantics are the Queen of Diamonds.)

And thats how I'm feeling about myself right now.

Red is also a very powerful colour. We associate it with love, blood, anger (and Communism); which is all of the things I associate with Queer/Trans Anarchy - one of the only things that's keeping me going atm. It's not power. It's the potential of power. And that's what's important. Hope.

People who have seen this already tonight have said two things "Bowie" and "The Master" and I really do feel that in both myself and my art. (In all art forms; writing, performing, magic, creative arts etc. Etc.) Everything that they stand for, I feel in my blood, bones and body.

When "Observations" is done, I shall do a write up about what it means to me and I'll talk about actual Observations literally & laterally, as well as mental health.

But for once... I've created some digital art for myself, of myself. Which speaks volumes in itself to begin with. As I don't actually find myself all that interesting. And I don't actually like myself all too much. Only when I get a smidgen of gender euphoria is when I can put up with myself and what I look like/who I am."

And so... that covers me. Hello! Face reveal to my 2 whole readers. Well, kinda.

But there's more to this than what's here already...

This piece can obviously been seen from either angle.

Positioning myself so I'm looking forwards, looking ahead. Looking upward... almost.

Not looking downwards onto the other subject.

(Let's just call him "D" for now.)

---

One Possible Story:

If you see this as two different people, then that's possibly symbolic of a hypothetical Student/Mentor Dynamic; "Anything is possible with the right mentor." ~Queen of Diamonds~

And the Student is looking away in shame from someone he admires... whilst the Mentor is looking up/down on his Student who is trying to help him reach his potential, yet, is not wanting the help. Because... Rage? Strength? Ego?

Another Possible Story:

If you see this as the same person...

Then you have many a narrative you can spin.

The younger version of the Boy is the Queen of Diamonds at the moment because he has all this power and unable to know what to do with it, (the instability of the Queen of Diamonds). He has bounds of potential that he is choosing not to waste, but chaos ensues, and his time is wasted instead as he wishes away the days... desperate for a life that he feels he can not have.

The older version of the Boy has finally become the King of Spades because he's spent his time mastering his skills and is now the most powerful and stable card in the deck. He's now sturdy as a rock, and cautious with his actions, causing great worry, but his thoughts & feelings are justified as a wiser, older Man. But... he looks down at the younger Boy in shame and nostalgia because he wasted so much of his youth trying to gain something that was going to come naturally to him anyway.

Or Third Possible Story

It's both, and it's a Steampunk Gay Paradox Story of Two People and One Person.

(Read my play, "Time, Steam and The Homo-Erotic Love Machine; Or The Fever Dream of Poe & Wells".)

Something I haven't mentioned...

A Happy Story...

The only happy story I can see is when it's flipped and I imagine a happy and successful Transition.

But even then... that's lost on me, is passing the outcome I want?

The realisation that comparing myself over and over again to Cis Men is just going to result in heartache... because I know I can never be them. Nor will I ever be treated the same as or even given a glance in the same way.

(Thoughts and feelings that I have been writing up since November 2nd and then, felt even deeper feelings on since November 4th... which... I'll write up about when the time is right.)

But I fear that there isn't a happy ending for (Trans) Gay Men. That's why I can't see one.

Not to be pessimistic, but it's reality.

And that's the real observation.

---

With darkness surrounding me, yet, I still turn away from the light.

Clenched jaw. Stern. Steady. Ready to go. Agitated, almost.

My red hair is certainly giving "Crowley" vibes. Both in the obvious looks, but in his aura, his politics against Heaven & Hell, his views of his own self worth & self imagine as a "failed" Angel... AND as a "failed" Demon. As he's also a Traitor too...

I often feel guilt as a "Traitor" as a Jew. I feel like a Traitor because I have blue eyes, straight hair and a non-stereotype looking nose (and other features).

(Sorry I'm Irish on my Mother's Side and that my dad wasn't an Ultra-Orthodox Ashkenazi Rabbi.)

I sometimes feel guilty for not being a Zionist. As if I *have* to be. But Zionism isn't Judaism, and it's wrong. Politics & War in the name of Religion & Culture, just like all other war... is wrong on all levels.

The amount of times I've been told that I'm "not a Jew" or I'm a "bad Jew" or a "self hating Jew" just because I don't want an Ethnostate nor do I support the killings of thousands of people.

Seriously obsurd. And very maddening. Hateful stuff.

A Jew is a Jew. End of.

I think I've got over the point of... self hatred and low self esteem. I think I've covered that?

Look; I'm Gay, Trans, Queer, Jewish & Disabled, of course I don't enjoy my own self, mind and body.

Why do you think I do Magic, Drag and Kink? To have a teeny tiny amount of control, and that's the real truth of it. I like things in order and in a system. The world was not built for Neurodiverse people. Never has, never will be. But ironically... the world was built by Neurodiverse people. Name me ANY scientist, engineer, mathematician... or... for that matter... ANY actor, magician, artist or playwright... and if they're neurotypical or mentally well & sane... I'll actually suck your cock.

Basically, anyone who has changed the world even in the slightest is *one of us*, but stupidly, the world isn't actually for us... because we don't fit into Capitalism. You can't sell Autistic people things that don't make sense, nor can you sell us bullshit pipe dreams.

One thing I love about my art style is the use of colour. I get a HUGE thrill when I've finished the drawing stage and get to colour or paint, even in irl art. I love how colour theory works, I love how painting people as if you're doing their make-up ACTUALLY WORKS.

I love the magic of colour. The stories you can tell. The stories you can make up in your own mind about the subject, yourself or even the artist. That's actual real magic.

Now that's more impressive than Lucid Dreaming and the Multiverse Theory.

Being able to communicate with the world through art is so important to me. It is genuine heart and soul. Real time and passion has gone into it.

Making art for myself is the most important thing of all.

Colour and how it's used and commanded is the most important creative performance.

For D, I make sure to highlight specific features in red, I.e. his nose and ears as they represent features of his face that I particularly like on him - and in scientific research; it is also shown that those areas of the body will also circulate with blood when... (redacted)

So, that's always something that's important to me when drawing people; is getting those two features right because we, as humans, find those areas interesting/attractive to look at, both on ourselves and on others and they can make or break a whole portrait.

The amount of times I've seen people say "they got it all right... but the nose/ears is/are wrong"...

And/or the amount of people who are hyper conscious of their nose and ears really outstands me, when in truth, they're the best parts of your face.  (Except a beard, of course.)

Also, notice how I've squared the jaw and added an Adam's Apple my end... even with Testosterone, I can not make/grow an Adam's Apple... usually Testosterone would help tissue line up on the vocal cords and thyroid gland to thicken it and make a faux Adam's Apple, but because my Thyroid Gland destroyed itself... I have no Thyroid Gland for any tissue to thicken up on. So... the only way I can do it is via art.

(This website has also butchered the quality of these pictures...)

I also will be creating two other versions of this, one with D & J, and other with D2 & D3.

(I know too many Ds.)

(I also have a Trans friend called Dominic, and he apologised for being a Short Dom. I said "Don't worry, you're a short Dominic and I'm a short Dom." Made a friend for life that day.)

Let's just call them... The Players of The Apocalypse Kind, (or DDDJ?)

(Disk Disk Disk Jockey? Diddy Donkey Disk Jockey?)

(Perhaps not Diddy.)

(Diving Donkey Ducky Jelly?)

I'm not sure if I'll post the art to here or not. Maybe I will. Perhaps if I'm in the mood for it.

I don't know how to end this Blog Post...

Idk... perhaps how I usually do? Gay things? Heartache?

Insanity?

Yes. That seems right.

So... before you go insane...

Don't look too much into this... or Cartomancy.

It's only the oldest form of Fortune Telling, after all.

It's not like we've been using playing cards for... G0d knows how long... nor do we actually know the origins of playing cards either... or which culture or religion...

Some books say India, some say Egypt, some say Italy or France... there isn't actually a clear answer to it.

But all books say the same thing...

"They looked up to the stars... and they felt inspired by a power greater than their own imagination."

Tell your own stories within the art.

Tell your own futures within the cards.

-Koschei Rex (& some other parts)

😈🦖🌌⚙️

(⏳️ - The Master, hi we'll have to do a post on The Master, Missy & other Introjects; Fictives & Factives etc.)

I'm just a boy who needs a good cuddle...

And a good dick to suck.

Sigh.