Dissociative

 Hi, hello!

(Tis a title of a low key/high key semi (Fringe) famous sketch comedy show that Toured this year.)

It's me, Koschei Rex.

And I/we are a Dissociative Disorder System.

The Rex System. Where our name comes from.

I think we have decided to also use this Blog for documenting ourselves as a way to let ourselves have some sort of freedom without being ridiculed.

We have tried in the past via YouTube, which, in the end, did not go well for any of us.

(As one could imagine, because for whatever reason everyone is an armchair psychiatrist and somehow knows everything about ever mental & physical illness to date since the Big Bang. And... the obvious answer; ableism. People (apes) just hate people with mental illnesses, especially illnesses that aren't "easy" to be around or diagnose like Depression or Anxiety. When things get complicated, people apparently don't like it and get prickly & skeptical over other people's realities for whatever reason. Fuck knows why?! Why can't someone say "this is the reality I see myself/the world in. Whether it's actually factually true or not, this is what I am experiencing/believe I am experiencing. Please accept it." And others/the audience/you go... "oh, OK, fair dos. I am not you. I am not experiencing the world through your eyes and processing it with your brain, so I can not tell you that you are wrong." The world would be such a better place.)

And I only have a limited number of friends who know that I live with this condition. Let alone understand me/us fully.

We need somewhere to freely talk and vent without judgement. And I think that this is the place for it.

Noone here knows who I am. (Unless you've followed the breadcrumbs, you clever boy - XNZ. That's why you're the Certified Good Boy™️.) So noone here can judge me.

I hope you can enjoy our ramblings. Or perhaps, one day, we may publish all of these Blog Posts as a book?

One a year? One every 5 years? Depends on how long I keep up the Blogging for. And how much I do.

In all fairness, its only day one, and I quite like it. Just typing into the abyss for potentially noone to read. Which is nice. Just me and my words. But actually getting to see my thoughts out on a screen is calming.

It's grounding.

More therapeutic than anything else I've ever tried or done in 15+ years of therapy.

I think writing little stories about The Inner World might be nice, y'know?

Something that many people haven't done before.

So... my Disorder.

We're using the term UDD. DD (in this instance) stands for Dissociative Disorder. The U can stand for anything from "Undiagnosed", to "Unlabeled", to "Unspecified". It's all a bit vague. I guess we count as all three. We're not not Diagnosed, but there's nothing actually official either.

As an Adult, we've done THREE different therapies, (one for each Dimension of Space, Time & Reality, I presume), and one of the conclusions is that we have "symptoms of" or "common traits of" a Dissociative Disorder "related to Trauma or Traumatic Events", in medical terms. But noone we have spoken to has ever gone "I can diagnose you with DID or OSDD." And said reasons for this is because I have symptoms of both DID & OSDD(-1b) but not enough of one or the other to fully fit in a box. (Horribly enough.) And... tragically, said therapists have also said that they don't have enough expertise in Dissociative Disorders to diagnose them. And... in the area I live in the UK, there is only one therapist who *can* (apparently) and not only do they have an ever growing waiting list, they only see children.

So, unless I have all the time in the world and gain the ability to not just slow down my body clock, but reverse it too; I'm essentially fucked. I just have to sit pretty and learn to cope, I guess.

So... what is a Dissociative Disorder?

Urgh. Bitch, please, I'm tired.

I can't even direct you to any good Media because all Films that feature DID/OSDD does it absolutely fucking horrendously. *cough* SPLIT *cough*

Even the Inside No.9 Episode of Thinking Out Loud ruined itself at the end after doing such a great job for the first 99% of the Episode. (So... perhaps start there?)

MultiplicityAndMe on YouTube is probably your best bet for really good and sturdy education on this Disorder.

Most (and I use that term loosely) Creators on YouTube are pretty reliable. (Not all though... sigh.)

But the easiest way to describe it is; have you heard of the term Multiple Personality Disorder?

Lol.

That always gets a good laugh, slash, people then go; ooooohhhh.

Yeah, it's that. But it's actually much more complex than that tbh.

But that's the premise.

I'm not a very well man. (Men? Person? People? Human? (I barely use that word.))

It's not a Superpower. It's a disability that low/high key ruins my life. I am unaware of my entire set of memories and I, Koschei, miss out on days/weeks of my life because its not often me who's actually here and with us.

I often feel like I'm being gaslit by both myself and everyone else because everything I know isn't apparently what is true. And it's so unfair.

Alters can be split into Fronting Alters (people you may meet) and Non Fronting Alters, (people who just live in my Inner World, think NPCs in a game).

Between Fully Formed People and Splinters (Alters who are only partial people, like personified emotions or intensified characteristics), there's around 20 of us, we believe, and NPCs who live in the Inner World... we have no idea in actual reality. Last we thought was around 30-odd. (?) Possibly more.

New NPCs are created almost every time new Trauma arises. It's like a new Comfort Character comes to fruition to look after me when I need someone asap.

The Alter part I can live and deal with; it's the memory part I find a particular Hell. Struggling with memory is one thing. But having Faux Memories (or they are real memories that other people can't remember) is such a bullshit thing for the brain to create as a defence mechanism. Come on! This sucks. Grr.

Oh, yeah, this all is a defence mechanism. Legitimately. Dissociation is a Trauma Response to keep the conscious brain alive and well. It's legit done so I didn't experience the trauma as a child and also to continue on and protect me as an Adult. I mean, sure, it works but at what cost? The idea is so you don't develop (C)PTSD and keep reliving all the bad stuff. However... that still happened anyway. I still have CPTSD. I still have flashbacks and panic attacks and I'm constantly on Red Alert (Basement Jaxx, iykyk). So... sigh. Poor brain. Poor me.

This is a depressing blog entry, and I apologise. (Well, yes and no. But not all blogs need to be happy and/or intelligent rambles. All just brain vomit at the end of the day.)

Technically, everyone dissociates, but not to the extent of people like myself do. That's when it becomes a Disorder or a Disability because it's affecting my ability to live a normal life or process the way I see and interact with the world like how Singlets (non-plural people) and/or neurotypical people (people without a Neurodiversity and/or Mental Illness/Disorder, plain brains, as you were) see and work in the world.

Anyway... the reasoning for this entire blog post is to talk about my Common Fronting Alters and how we may sign off at times.

Koschei, the Host/me. 😈

Rex/The Rex System, all of us as a whole; meaning the brain and body as a one being. 🦖

Zero, one of our Littles & Trauma Holder, he's a good boy. Age Slides from 5-8. Allows us to unmask as an Autistic. 0️⃣

Auto, the Gatekeeper, ageless, speciesless, formless. Only fronts in an emergency. ⚙️

Vin, Pain Protector, age 28. (Unfortunately,) a straight man. (He's an Ally, tis good.) 🍷

Natalie, Trauma Holder, around 28-30. Was Traumatised by the outside world a few years ago, doesn't like Fronting alone now, but will spend time in Head House. 🧏🏼‍♀️

Drax, Sexual Trauma Holder & Protector, Non-Human, Demon-Shaped-Vampire, lives in the Inner World very far away from Head House. 🧛‍♂️

William, Trauma & Memory Holder, Cyborg, lives in an Alternative Universe within my own Inner World/Universe. 🌌

We also have various Fictives (Alters based on Fictional People), Factives (Alters based on Real People) and Introjects (Alters based on Real People that we know in our own personal life, like exes and family members, including abusers, I know, fantastic... sigh.). Most of these (again, I say most) stay in the Inner World.

As well as countless Splinters of Koschei & Rex, who also Co-Front a lot of the time, we only have one other Alter who regularly Fronts, who is another Little who doesn't understand or know that she's an Alter at all. So we never say her name out loud or typed in the Real World to protect her. She's Fronted a couple of times and she freaks out every time.

...

I hope this has been an interesting read.

And I hope this inspires you to go on, and venture, learn more about the brain from now on. You may learn a few things about yourself, too.

Any questions you have, just ask and I'll answer in another Blog Post.

Koschei Rex 😈🦖